Friday, January 25, 2008

not so happy

I've been going back through old posts to back this up (obviously I'm putting something ELSE off) and it has occurred to me, over the past couple hours, that I seem to post mostly when I'm really happy or the kids are great or everything is calm or I'm productive. And I realized that this is portraying a false me. Because, today, for example, is one of those days that I really just despise. I think the only purpose, other than mailing something at the post office, and establishing that there isn't a drop of diet Pepsi Vanilla in the entire state of Colorado, is to get from yesterday to tomorrow.

You know it's a bad sign when your kids make you cry before 8am. Thankfully, Ainsleigh has turned it around and was really great. And then I felt bad because I dropped her off at school and rather than run inside, they were actually lining up (as they do when it's greater than 30 degrees outside). But she said she didn't mind running around to her line without me. And so I just drove off. And felt crappy about that. I mean, there are tons of kids around, and parents do it all the time, but it was the first time *I* did it. Seriously, 20 minutes later after mailing a package, I actually contemplated driving back to the school to make sure she wasn't standing out in front of the school, looking all forlorn (as she is wont to do - the forlorn part, not the front of the school part). But I didn't.

And then Donovan has just been ON one. Not helped by his leg-aches (which my mom doesn't believe in, but she's just mean) that wake him up at night, disrupting his sleep. Not helped by his early-bird wake-up. And me, I'm so exhausted I just don't have the patience to be sympathetic.

So I tried to take a nap. What? You want to sleep? Sucker! About 20 minutes after I laid down, Donovan came into my room crying. Because he had to go to the bathroom. That was the end of my fuse. You're crying because you have to perform a function you do about 12 times a day? You've got to be kidding me. So, no more naps for either of us. Since then, Ainsleigh has done a good job of keeping him away from me. And I've done a good job of not raising my voice, when he DOES come near me.

It's days like this I first ask myself why we're having another child if this is so hard as is. And then I tell myself it's because perhaps Donovan won't live to his third birthday. And I've always wanted 2 kids.

Anyway. Not a real point to this, other than I want documentation that there are days I'm not thrilled to be a mom. There are days that I wish would just end at 10 am. There are days I'm just...tired. And in another three years when I'm doing this all over again with another toddler, I want to be able to look back and say, 'Oh yeah, I had crappy days. But there were still a lot of good days. And these bridges make me the mother I am.'

For now, I'm just looking forward to tomorrow.