Friday, January 16, 2009

do not try this at home

So Ainsleigh has had this snaggletooth for quite some time and it needs to come out. Everyone has the same brilliant idea of tying a string around it and then quickly pulling hard and the tooth with *dink* right out. I am convinced that nobody has actually TRIED this method. Same with tying a string around it and then tying the other end to the door and then slamming the door shut. These are stupid ideas. I know this, because I actually tried the *dink* method. I pulled the ends really quickly and suddenly Ainsleigh is screeching and crying and flapping her arms and hopping from foot to foot and I am mortified and trying to calm her down while two strings flap out of her mouth and I hate myself for even entertaining this stupid idea in the first place.

It's not exactly, but sort of, reminiscent of the moment at my parents' over Christmas that I wandered into the butler's pantry where there was a spread of all manner of chocolates and candy and cookies and other delectable treats and saw the small foil bag that was marked "cream puffs" and I thought, "I like cream puffs!" so I popped one in my mouth and this was my immediate train of thought:
oh siiiiiiick.this thing tastes like it's laced with fish.wait a second, why would it taste like fish?wait, is this not even a real cream puff?is this one of Louie's(the dog) treats?have i eaten a DOG TREAT?oh gross.i hate myself.wait, who put dog treats up here?do i ask?but then people will know that i ate one.oh sick.i need to spit this out.who would do something so cruel as to lace cream puffs with fiiiiiiish?!

I emerged from the pantry and relayed my thoughts and feelings about this grossest cream puff ever. "Oh yeah, those are nasty," says my brother-in-law Dave. DUDE - you KNEW they were gross? Why didn't you throw them out?! He made up some excuse, but I think it might have been to partially get me back for having him taste 80% cacao chocolate which is even too dark for my tastes and tastes like what I imagine battery acid would. Anyway, then I, in turn, kind of hedged about how it wasn't that bad and got Laura to taste one. All the while, Becca said she didn't think they were THAT bad. But what does she know, when I said I was afraid they were dog treats, she readily piped up that dog treats DON'T TASTE LIKE THAT. My mind was whirling with the inevitable next question, but she happily supplied that yes she had tasted them before. That is why Becca is awesome. She just fesses up (not because she eats dog food).

Anyway, so for some reason I equated the "you duped me into eating disgusting cream puffs" with "you duped me into abusing my child." I'm sure you see the similarities. Suffice it to say she has an appointment with the dentist next Wednesday who's going to *dink* it out the way he knows how. I will never ever again try the string around the tooth tactic. And anyone who says they have successfully done it is a liar. Or also has Abu Ghraib on their resume.


Clouse Family said...

Just get some pliers and Yank it out! ;)
Ethan wouldn't let me in his mouth to get his tooth that was dangling either. I got the pliers out and gave him the option. Me or the pliers, what's it gonna be. It seemed to work. He opened his mouth, I grabbed it with some gauze (for non-slip purposes) and out it came.
Good times!

laura said...

I would like to point out that I certainly did NOT, nor would I ever, try the dog treat cream puff.

Also, I'm pretty sure the only place I've ever seen the string method actually attempted is in cartoons.

Imaginary friends said...

We just had this happen with Sara and I told her it was dentist city. She began to try and twist it and played with it all day for one day. It fell out the next day. Tell A to try and twist it in a circle.

Have I told you about my Saudi dentistry experioences as a child.

Wanda said...

I always told you kids I'd help you with your tooth when you could turn in back to front, first one direction and then the other (essentially in a circle, but what did you kids know!) By then it had fallen out.

Margo said...

You are hilarious. hey my mom actually tied a piece of green dental floss around mallorys tooth once. It broke when trying to shut the door. The dental floss was stuck on the tooth for a week until the tooth finally came off. It just looked like she had a piece of slim in her mouth. We joke about it now.

ALEX & KARI said...

Copy and paste; watch and enjoy. And whatever you do...make sure you capture it on film. This video won $10,000!