Wednesday, January 14, 2009

reflecting on videos

I was going back through some old files and came across a video of Ainsleigh when she was 2. Watching how wee and cute she was inspired me to watch more videos. And pretty soon I found myself watching the video Joel made after Gemma was born. I was enjoying it and then at 1:13, seeing me resting on the back of the hospital bed with my doula in the background, something snapped. And suddenly I was sobbing uncontrollably. The next few pictures are wonderful and powerful and painful to me. They probably don't mean much to anyone else, but I see myself and I am pulled back to those hours upon hours of intense pitocin-intensified un-medicated back labor. And I feel an overwhelming sadness for the Sarah in those pictures. I know that she thinks it can't get any more painful. Any more scary. She thinks that at any second the baby will turn and it will all be over. She doesn't know it gets so much worse. She doesn't know that the minutes and hours will drag on until she reaches the conclusion that she can't do any more. And she wonders if death is this painful. And she silently screams to make it stop. And she audibly sobs that she quits.

And then. As if Gemma knew that I had to reach that point of utter surrender, she turned and came into our lives and has made it exponentially more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I wonder if God knew that he was sending this most wonderful person into our lives and that I may rethink having "just" three children, and so he gave me this exceptionally trying prelude to her majesty. And the best, most supportive, and highly skilled photographer of a husband to document it, so I would never forget. I am grateful for the many lessons I learned over those couple of days.

Joel is out of town again and I am left to my own thoughts, and this is where they end up. I knew I should have watched 24 or something.

2 comments:

Dawnette Coltrin said...

Can you see why I am freaked out about having kids!!! PAIN + Dawnette = NO GOOD!!!!

You should have watched House...

The Johnson Family of Colorado said...

See!!!!!!!??? That video is good! I love your video of the day Gemma was born. :) I have now made three of my friends and family watch it.