Friday, June 26, 2009

why me?

Gemma is down for a nap. The other kids are playing quietly in their room. I decide to take my homemade weedkiller outside to spray before sitting down to eat my lunch. I'm over on the side, unloading certain carnage on a host of noxious weeds, and thinking about how my index fingers are getting quite the workout. I walk back up the lawn to the stairs of our deck, walk up the steps and...

WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?! OH NO! OH NO! STOP! WHY ARE YOU THERE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

That's when I realized I had just yelled all those things. And I couldn't stop. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHY ARE YOU NOT FLYING? WHY MEEEEEEEE?!

You would think there was a cobra or tiger. But let's not forget my feelings on birds. In short, I hate them. So here I am, confronted with one that won't MOVE. It's just sitting there, beak open (*hurl*), beady eyes (*gag*), ever so slowly turning its head back and forth. back and forth. (*here comes breakfast*)


I tried clapping at it. I tried banging my bbq tongs at it. I even wrinkled up my nose and begged it to leave me alone. Never turning my back on it. Slowly backing into my house. Is it broken? Is it here on a dare? What does it want?!

Here's a good view of how I'm actually checking on it, like it's the angel of death outside:

What do I do? Clearly my lunch is ruined. I thought about calling Joel to come home, but figured/hoped/pleaded that it will be gone by then (hence the pictures for proof). I'm going to name it Beelzebub since it is quite obviously of the devil.

I've even considered things I would rather have happened than this:

1. Discover a half-eaten worm in my salad
2. Pick up all of my neighbor's dog poo
3. Get out of the shower, only to discover my window wide open, giving the neighborhood a good view of the full Sarah
4. Non-stop telemarketers
5. Uncontrollable sweating (almost there, actually, due to this)
6. Look at Ainsleigh's incredibly loose tooth
7. Hand-wash Gemma's diapers
8. Watch John & Kate Plus 8

Oh for the love of Krissy, it's still there. This is the WORST thing that has ever happened to me.

6 comments:

Tennille said...

Aah! I don't even have your hatred of birds and that's creeping me out big-time. Maybe it will just die and then when Joel gets home, he'll take it far, far away from you.

Becca said...

Dude it looks like it has a broken leg or something. But here's an idea...
Put food on your deck table to see if it can fly. And once it flies up to get the food, you run out acting like you didn't want it to eat it. Then it will fly away with the food in mouth...and both of you will think you were pretty tricky.

Oh and it is spelled 'Jon', and it's not that bad of a show. Until now.

Joel said...

Remember the time before we were married and we went on that camping trip with your friends and on the drive back we were flying along in that tiny Corolla when out of nowhere came the most disgusting smack accompanied by a greasy smear on the windshield of the car from that horrible birds filthy feathers.

That was the worst ever.

Sarah said...

Joel. You are not allowed to comment if you're going to resurrect memories that should stay dead. Shame on you. As payback, I just vomited on your keyboard. Even steven.

ALEX & KARI said...

I hope it's gone by now but if it's not, could you call animal control? At least then you wouldn't have to touch it.

Lisa said...

That is really really REALLY creepy. I'm not going to sleep well tonight.