Thursday, February 11, 2010

...and that's how I ended up with duck fat in my eye.

Continuing with coincidences, when I told my Aunt Nancy that I had just been thinking of her after seeing a recipe for duck confit (which she loads up on in France) and she told ME she just got BACK from France, she also said she had just sent me duck fat. From Amazon. First of all, I love getting food in the mail. A couple years ago the unsinkable Rachel sent me three pounds of smoked bacon. I think that was the best thing I ever got via mail. Seriously, you want to be on my short list, send me bacon (just make sure it's the kind that doesn't require refrigeration until opened. otherwise you're dead to me). And I love Amazon.

Did you know that some people are not aware of Amazon? I didn't. I didn't believe those studies that say only 60% of homes have internet access. Really?! But I'm naive and spoiled that way, I guess. A couple weeks ago I totally got suckered into a Kirby vacuum pitch.

NOTE: Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and/or thousands of dollars to spend on a vacuum, JUST SAY NO.

SECOND NOTE: If you have thousands of dollars to spend on a vacuum, can I borrow it?

They SAID they were testing a new shampooing method. *sigh* They SAID it wasn't a sales pitch. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Long story short, an hour and a half later they DID clean the spot on my carpet that has slowly appeared in the three years since a kid spilled white hot chocolate. So, yay. BUT, I also got to listen to them harsh on my Dyson.

THIRD NOTE: Don't mess with my Dyson.

At one point the guy was ripping on wherever I bought it - Target? No, I said. Wal-Mart? No, I said. You don't shop at Wal-Mart? No, I said. "Oh, you're one of THOSE people?" he said, using fancy hands (I don't know how else to describe it - flap your hands while you say THOSE). I stopped making the kids macaroni and cheese and said, "If, by 'those people' you mean someone who knows someone who was injured on the job and not paid what they were probably entitled to because Wal-Mart can afford to keep cases tied up in court and now that person has the mind of a 10 year old and cannot work and her quality of life has been seriously compromised...then YES, I am one of THOSE people."

He asked where I got the vacuum. (by the way, he's vacuuming this whole time and showing me section by section the vast amounts of skin cells and dirt he's picking up. I could have built another person, I think) Refurbished, I said, on Amazon. He snickered. "Amazon? You know all that stuff is stolen, right?" I couldn't have been left more speechless had he told me that penguins were running the fulfillment centers. "Um, no it's not," I said, rather perplexed.

He laughed in a way that implied I was soooo naive. "Maybe the stuff on ebay, who knows. But Amazon? You've got to be kidding me," I defended my beloved online retailer. He tried to argue with me a little longer before shrugging and, as if it would explain his wisdom, said, "Amazon? Well what even is an Amazon?"


His "co-worker" (I use the term loosely) even laughed at him. "You don't know AMAZON," she cackled. I shook my head. 'Only like THE largest online retailer out there. You can get anything from them, and generally for the best prices,' I said, hoping the words "online" and "retailer" didn't throw him for a loop. He looked at his "co-worker" and asked if she shopped there. "Well no. I've never BEEN there," she said. "But I've HEARD of it."

"Ok, I think we're done here," I said. I needed to get these people out of my house ASAP.

FOURTH NOTE: Never dis Amazon to me.

I thought of that last one while I was opening up my package of duck fat from Nancy. I was also in the process of peeling and cutting potatoes and carrots for roasting in said duck fat while I broiled some salmon for our dinner. Gemma was sitting at the table where she was attempting to eat crayons without my notice (seriously, I've never had a kid eat crayons. And she just won't stop! It's like a pica fix or something. I'm trying to "train" her but in Gemma vs. the crayons, she's winning. Maybe they can't say no to her either?). I had just tossed the roots in the fat and I guess some got on the back of my hand because when Gemma started to push back from the table and her chair looked like it was going to topple over and I lunged to save her with a KNIFE in my hand (luckily she did not fall and I did not use THAT hand to save her. we all know my track record with knives and limbs), a bit of hair flew into my eye so I used the back of my hand to get it out and...that's how I ended up with duck fat in my eye.

But the potatoes and carrots were exquisite.


Sarah Burgoyne said...

That was a highly enjoyable read. I love it when people come to you trying to sell you something and then proceed to insult you. A Kirby guy tried to sell a vacuum to my mom once and when she informed him that she discusses all major purchases with her husband he look at her and said, "really? do you have to ask your husband for permission if you want to buy a can of coke?"

I remember looking at my sister and gasping, just waiting for my moms reaction. Needless to say he was asked to leave in a hurry :)

Lisa said...

Oh man, those people are paid to be annoying. I can't believe you fell for their "we're not actually selling anything" thing. Although I can't say that people can't fool me into things.

Oh my gosh, I'm with you on Amazon. I should seriously buy everything from there. Every time I look there, I realize that I was a dummy for looking anywhere else.

I didn't know that one could even send duck fat. Or bacon. Interesting...

The Johnson Family of Colorado said...


As always. I loved your experiences of life. I think having a Kirby salesman pitch is on the most elite of Bucket Lists, but I am still stuck on the fact that you can buy duck fat by mail........

Lose the knife....
Hugs, Susan

Angie said...

Never, never, NEVER let the kirby people into your house. I guess you figured that out. My sister-in-law Kimi let them in and they stayed for 5 hours. They called their manager and she had 3 people at her house. My brother-in-law threatened them with the police after the salesman said, "Would the prophet (because he saw a picture on the wall) want you to have a dirty house?" They came to my door the other night and I didn't even hesitate when I shut the door in their faces. The one girl said, "And you seem so nice."

TinaMarie said...

P.S. that was my brother in law - he told that story at dinner tonight at our inlaws house.

I am sorry.

Melin said...

I let the kirby guy in because I just knew I needed my carpet cleaned and he was offering it for free, then in the middle of his pitch he told me the dirtiest sex joke I have ever heard, involving a vacuum cleaner, and when I just stood there stoned faced said, 'ahh, even granmas laugh at that one.'

and that was a great post by the way.

Alice said...

Awesome post. We don't shop at Walmart either...mostly due to the cheap crap from China they sell. I finally put up a No Solicitation sign on the door and have been left in peace for the past 6 months:)

ps I LOVE AMAZON TOO! Especially the 1-click button:)

Anne said...

totally with you on amazon!